Nature Hates You: Giardia

July 3rd, 2009

We usually think of diseases as being caused by either bacteria or viruses, but equal credit should be given to other sorts of parasites. Giardia is an especially awful one which lurks in water, crops, and animals – basically everything that you put in your mouth that isn’t a dick. Once in, it works its way down to your colon.

Sometimes, shit-eating grin isnt just a metaphor.

Sometimes, "shit-eating grin" isn't just a metaphor.

Once there, it attaches itself to the inner wall using those little tentacles. When it’s nice and cozy, it proceeds to reproduce until it’s covered the entire wall of your colon. This is when shit starts going wrong. Literally.

Imagine an armadillo turned inside-out. Thats your colon.

Imagine an armadillo turned inside-out. Now imagine that's your colon.

You see, the walls of the colon are used to extract liquid from everything you eat and drink. When they’re covered up, all the liquid just keeps on going until it comes out the other end. Colon failure leads to diarrhea, diarrhea leads to dehydration, and dehydration leads to the dark side.

Luckily, Giardisis (as the condition is know) is treatable. But the little guys leave one final fuck-you: when they fall off, they leave horseshoe-shaped marks in your colon from holding on so hard. In short, if nature’s our mother, I’m calling child protective services.


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The Big Toe on My Left Foot

July 2nd, 2009

I tried really hard to think of something new and inventive to post. Something that might make readers say, “Whoo, golly! This is some great reading material that I like to read with my eyes that are in my head.” I thought and I thought and I thought some more until I stopped. It was at that point that I realized I had nothing to write about. It is with this in mind that I decided to write a detailed article about the big toe on my left foot.
The big toe on my left foot is pretty neat. I’m sure if I did not have a big toe on my left foot that it might be difficult to play sports like European Futbol (which I do not play) or maybe kickball (which I also do not play). Why, I’m sure it would even be difficult to play Wii Fit (which I do not have)! I’m sure I’d have trouble keeping my balance.
I like the big toe on my left foot. But I don’t like it as much as I like the big toe on my right foot. There’s an old saying that tells us to put our best foot forward, but I always start walking with my left foot, despite the fact that my right is my best. But that just goes to show how important the big toe on my left foot is. It leads me and I trust it for guidance.
I don’t trust it for it’s knowledgebase of wisdom, though. I mean, it might be a really wise toe, but how would I know? It can’t talk. It just spends all day inside the inside of a sweaty sock which is inside a big, black boot. That doesn’t sound very wise to me. It sounds like it would get hot in there. I imagine it doesn’t smell too good, either. Therefore, I’m pretty sure the big toe of my left foot is a dumbass.
The big toe on my left foot is like a thumb. I can pick up dirty laundry or a pencil with the big toe of my left foot. I can change the TV channel with it. The big toe on my left foot is very utilitarian, though, so despite the fact that it can be useful for things such as picking up a nylon sock filled with the remains of my unrequited love (because I don’t want to get my clean hands dirty), I can never play video games with it.
It’s pretty useless for typing, too. Allow me to demonstrate: i am thed rtroe oonj m y lredftg ffopot thatt ius big.
See? And I couldn’t even do that with just the big toe on my left foot -I had to stand and keep balance on my chair with the big toe of my right foot while I did it!
All in all, while the big toe on my left foot is nice, it isn’t all that great or anything. Um… The End.


This post brought to you by Not Gorveg

Why I enjoyed the living hell out of Mercenaries 2 (360/PS3)

June 29th, 2009

I finished Mercenaries 2 – World in Flames yesterday, and I have to say that I was positively surprised. Really surprised. After all the lukewarm reviews it received and the bashing on the internet, I expected nothing special, but I had so much fun with it.

Yes, it is bug-ridden; it’s probably the buggiest console game I have ever played. Yes, the graphics are nothing to write home about, the character models don’t look particularly nice, and the cut scenes are awkward. But you know what? It doesn’t matter, because quite unlike some other games these days, Mercenaries 2 knows what it is: a game. It doesn’t constantly shove cut scenes down your throat, trying to show how “deep” and “mature” its characters and story are. It doesn’t make you sit through hours of tutorial missions, either. There is one. And that’s it. None of the bullshit GTAIV pulled, where the player was taken by the hand and everything was explained to him, from driving to different types of combat to how to fucking change the radio station while in a car (all this pissed me, as someone who has been playing the GTA series since its very first installment, really off. I hope they include some kind of “Just let me play, I know how this works” mode in future GTA games).

And here’s something else Mercenaries 2 did much better than last year’s oh-so-incredible GTAIV: it doesn’t hold back and keep you away from the good things for ages. In GTAIV, it took about an hour until you got your first gun (the first Jacob mission IIRC), and several missions more until the Russians introduce you to the weapons store. And even then, the initial selection is very limited, and it takes hours until you get the good stuff. Now, Mercenaries 2 doesn’t offer everything it has from the beginning, either (after all, there has to be some kind of incentive to keep playing), but what you get from the very beginning is great enough on its own. Various rifles and handguns, RPGs, grenades, C4, artillery strikes etc.

But what really made the game for me was the gameplay. Yes, just like most other sandbox games, it’s a mix of running/driving around and shooting stuff. However, with its very open world, Mercenaries 2 allows a variety of approaches to fulfill your contracts. Yeah, I’ve heard all the jokes about how the game is only about air strikes, and that you cannot play it in any other way. To those people, I say: use your bloody imagination. Air strikes are useful, but by and large, I found myself hardly making use of them. Systematically eradicating everyone in a base just with your standard weapons is a much more challenging and satisfying experience. Disguising yourself as a member of a faction (or a civilian) and getting close to your target that way can be useful, too, and enemy tanks are absolutely lovely toys.


This post brought to you by Martin Penwald

LACK OF YOUTUBES

June 25th, 2009

WHAT I CANT EMBED THEM OH BOTHER

Friendly BaconFat edit:


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Terrible Poetry

June 25th, 2009

Mutually Deaf

Late last night I listened
to the sounds of the house
wondering if it might have ears
with which to hear me.

Air vents exhaled their climate-controlled breath
as I heard the metallic clink
of the bathroom lock snapping shut behind
my naked form under the squeaking shower head.

Pattering down, the water whispered to me,
or so it seemed.

Puzzled by this unexpected speech
I cracked a bemused smile
wondering if perhaps it was I
who lacked the ears to hear you.

Jack

“Hey kid, I got beans to make you
Trip. The one who
Plants these, of rewards, will
Reap.”

“Too good to be true, so
What’ll it cost me?” spoke
Jack, in his overalls, tending his
Flock.

“Just one of your fold
I’ll take for a fee”
Said the man. “After all, nothing is
Free”

The bovine transaction went on
Without action. Jack regressed
To his farm and progressed to
Plant.

The legend from here is abundantly
Clear. Jack got high in the
Sky, a grand old time, and then-
Fall.

The trip was done.
Jack had his fun and
With giants was done.
He wanted no more
Magic beans.


This post brought to you by The Tromboner

Mikuruslow.mp3

June 25th, 2009

COME

ON

LET’S

DANCE

BABBBBBBBBBYYYYYYY


This post brought to you by FlankingLine

Jur-Ass-Dick Pork

June 25th, 2009

For a dedicated paleontologist such as Dr. Grant, the thrill of the dig means everything. Food, money, shelter only exist to allow him to further his studies. Every new fossil is an orgasm. But there was one fossil he wasn’t counting on. Dr. Hammond, the chief financier of Grant’s current dig in Montana, had come to ask for his opinion on a new amusement park he had been building, but Hammond rarely visits these remote dig sites without doing a little digging himself.

And Dr. Grant’s fine ass was just the place.

Grant was not a homosexual man, but money is money and Hammond would likely pull his generous funding if he wasn’t entitled to a little something extra. Hammond grasped Grant tightly in his arms and proceeded to passionately make out with his sand-beaten face. Hammond’s breath smelled like whiskey, expensive cigars, and mothballs. Dr. Grant had to convince himself that he was making out with a beautiful, bearded old woman. It was difficult, but he tried to act the part. If he properly pleasured the old man, he might get more funding.

Dr. Hammond disengaged from their tongue-wrestling and Grant knew exactly what this meant. He turned around and dropped his pants, exposing his muscular ass to the aging entrepreneur.

“So, exactly what kind of park is this?” Grant inquired, perhaps trying to get his mind off what was to come. Too late. He felt something very wrong, yet very familiar. The feeling of another man burrowing into his ass.

Hammond responded, “It’s right up your alley…”


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Hello world!

June 24th, 2009

Welcome to the unmod.org community website for posting. Here let these calm your souls!


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